Wit and Wisdom: Food for the Mind

• "The love of one's country is a splendid thing. But why should love stop at the border?" -- Pablo Casals

• "The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status, or ethnic background, is that we all believe that we are above-average drivers." --Anonymous

• "At my age, I've seen it all, I've heard it all, I've read it all, And I don't remember any of it." --seen on a senior citizen's sweatshirt

• "Changing direction in life is not tragic, losing passion is." -- Anonymous

• "CORPORATION, (n.) An ingenious device for obtaining individual profit without individual responsibility." --Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary

• "Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, 'I will try again tomorrow.'" -- Anonymous

• The secret to a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible. -- George Burns

• Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP. -Joe Namath

• I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it. -- W.C. Fields

• Don't worry about avoiding temptation; as you grow older, it will avoid you. -- Winston Churchill

• "There are only two ways to live your life. One as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle." -- Albert Einstein

• "We have one story for the public, one for Congress, one for the White House, and one we tell ourselves (and none of them are true)." -- Attributed to a deputy director of the CIA

• "I arise in the morning torn between a desire to save the world and a desire to enjoy the world. This makes it hard to plan the day." -- E.B. White

• "POLITICS, (n.) A strife of interests masquerading as a contest of principles. The conduct of public affairs for private advantage." --Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary

• "I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts." -- Will Rogers.

• "Every gun that is fired, every warship launched, every rocket fired signifies, in the final sense, a theft from those who hunger and are not fed, those who are cold and are not clothed. This is not a way of life at all, in any true sense. Under the cloud of threatening war, it is humanity hanging from a cross of iron." - President Dwight D. Eisenhower, speech, Washington, April 16,1953.

• "I'm not afraid of dying. I just don't want to be there when it happens." -- Woody Allen

• "Don't believe everything you think." -- Robert Fulghum

• "HEBREW, (n.) A male Jew, as distinguished from the Shebrew, an altogether superior creation." --Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary

• "They that can give up an essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety, deserve neither liberty nor safety". -- Benjamin Franklin, 1759

• "Suburbia is where the developer bulldozes out the trees, then names the streets after them." --Bill Vaughan

• "Those who make peaceful change impossible will make violent change inevitable." -- John F. Kennedy

• "Man has been endowed with reason, with the power to create, so that he can add to what he's been given. But up to now he hasn't been a creator, only a destroyer. Forests keep disappearing, rivers dry up, wild life's become extinct, the climate's ruined and the land grows poorer and uglier every day." -- Anton Chekhov (1860-1904), Russian playwright and story writer.

• "An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind" --Mahatma Gandhi

• "Naturally the common people don't want war...but after all it is the leaders of a country who determine policy, and it is always a simple matter to drag the people along, whether it is a democracy, or a fascist dictatorship, or parliament or a communist dictatorship. All you have to do is tell them they are being attacked, and denounce the pacifists for lack of patriotism and exposing the country to danger. It works the same in every country." -- Hermann Goering (1893-1945) Nazi Reichsmarschall

• "Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film." -- Steven Wright

• "We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars." --Oscar Wilde
• "The most amazing thing in the world is the indifference of most of us to what happens to the rest of us." -- Anonymous

• "Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly and for the same reason." -- Anonymous

• "There is no flag large enough to cover the shame of killing innocent people" -- Howard Zinn

• "I try to take one day at a time, but sometimes several days attack me at once." -- Anonymous

• "Our country will be truly free...
  - when those who disagree with government policies are not branded unpatriotic;
  - when a person can be elected to national office without being aligned with the rich;
  - when citizens have the same access to government officials as giant corporations;
  - when “serving your country” applies to teachers and volunteers, as well soldiers." -- Don Collins

• "It is amazing how quickly the kids learn to drive a car, yet are unable to understand the lawnmower, snowblower or vacuum cleaner." --Ben Bergor

• "A pardigm is something for the mind to munch on while the truth is happening" -- Anonymous

• "Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it." -- Steven Wright

• "To announce that there must be no criticism of the President, or that we are to stand by the President, right or wrong, is not only unpatriotic and servile, but is morally treasonable to the American public." -- Theodore Roosevelt

• "I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three." --Elayne Boosler

• "To Criticize one's country is to do it a service and pay it a compliment." --Sen. J. William Fulbright in The Arrogance of Power

• "Patriotism means being true and loyal -- not to the government, but to the principles which underlie democracy." - Howard Zinn

• "All truth passes through three stages:
  First, it is ridiculed;
  Second, it is violently opposed;
  Third, it is accepted as self-evident." -- Arthur Schopenhauer

• "THESAURUS (n.): An ancient reptile with an excellent vocabulary." -- Anonymous

• "We are all here on earth to help others. What I can't figure out is what the others are here for." -- W. H. Auden

• "To be clever enough to get a great deal of money, one must first be stupid enough to want it." -- G.K. Chesterson

• A priest advised Voltaire on his death bed to renounce the devil. Voltaire said, "This is no time to make new enemies".

• "I wish there was a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence. There's a knob called "brightness", but it doesn't work." -- Gallagher

• "A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices." -- William James

• "Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much." -- Oscar Wilde

• "America is the only country that went from barbarism to decadence without civilization in between." -- Oscar Wilde


Odd Signs from England
Sign in a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES:PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT
Sign in a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS
In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN
Outside a farm:
HORSE MANURE 50p PER PRE-PACKED BAG 20p DO-IT-YOURSELF
In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD
On a church door:
THIS IS THE GATE OF HEAVEN. ENTER YE ALL BY THIS DOOR. THIS DOOR IS KEPT LOCKED BECAUSE OF THE DRAFT. (PLEASE USE SIDE DOOR.)
English sign in a German cafe:
MOTHERS, PLEASE WASH YOUR HANS BEFORE EATING
Outside a secondhand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?
Sign outside a new town hall which was to be opened by the Prince of Wales:
THE TOWN HALL IS CLOSED UNTIL OPENING. IT WILL REMAIN CLOSED AFTER BEING OPENED. OPEN TOMORROW.
Outside a photographer's studio:
OUT TO LUNCH: IF NOT BACK BY FIVE, OUT FOR DINNER ALSO
Outside a disco:
SMARTS IS THE MOST EXCLUSIVE DISCO IN TOWN. EVERYONE WELCOME
Sign warning of quicksand:
QUICKSAND. ANY PERSON PASSING THIS POINT WILL BE DROWNED. BY ORDER OF THE DISTRICT COUNCIL.
Notice sent to residents of a Wiltshire parish:
DUE TO INCREASING PROBLEMS WITH LETTER LOUTS AND VANDALS WE MUST ASK ANYONE WITH RELATIVES BURIED IN THE GRAVEYARD TO DO THEIR BEST TO KEEP THEM IN ORDER
Notice in a dry cleaner's window:
ANYONE LEAVING THEIR GARMENTS HERE FOR MORE THAN 30 DAYS WILL BE DISPOSED OF.
Sign on motorway garage:
PLEASE DO NOT SMOKE NEAR OUR PETROL PUMPS. YOUR LIFE MAY NOT BE WORTH MUCH BUT OUR PETROL IS
Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS
Spotted in a safari park:
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR
Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE FIRST FLOOR
Notice in a field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES
Message on a leaflet:
IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS
Sign on a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)
Sign at Norfolk farm gate:
BEWARE! I SHOOT EVERY TENTH TRESPASSER AND THE NINTH ONE HAS JUST LEFT
Spotted in a toilet in a London office block:
TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW